Thursday, July 9, 2009

The Horror!

Head crafted entirely from felt

This gruesome head on a spike was part of a window display I saw in NY on one of our night time ramblings. It is horrific, macabre, and yet somehow playful. Rather like a bat.

Some people profess to liking bats and praise their worth in terms of keeping the mosquito population from taking over the world. I say there's bug spray for that. I don't believe in Heaven and Hell, but if I did, I know which Afterlife Country bats would hail from, as exemplified by the term "like a bat out of hell." It is absolutely wrong that rodents should be able to fly! Especially ones that don't see well, as in "blind as a bat." "Oh, but they won't fly into you--they have sonar, " the batophiles exclaim. Perhaps so, but it seems to only kick in once the winged mouse has flown directly at you and pulled up at the very last second before impact.

We live in a quasi-rural setting. Ok, we live in the sticks. While we have all that lovely bucolic stuff going on around us, we also have the more disagreeable sh*t as well. Bats, for example. Those recent 3 weeks while Pierre was away, my terror would set in around dusk--the dreaded batting hour. I took the precaution of turning on the porch lights and several lamps around the ground floor of the house (energy-saving light bulbs--we do our bit to save the planet). Each time I let the cat in or out the back door, I spoke loudly to her, peered through the screen, and booted her. I spent a happily bat-free 3 weeks and heaved a sigh of relief once the Batman had returned.

In case there are some batty innocents out there, I will explain the correct procedure to adopt should a bat get into your house. Upon first sighting, scream as loudly as you possibly can, pull the back of your shirt up over your head, and run from the room yelling "NO NO NO NO NO!" until reaching the safety of your bedroom. Barricade yourself in, with blankets stuffed along the bottom of the door and all the lights on. Having now sounded the alert, you can wait for someone else to deal with the thing.

Last night I was peacefully sleeping, only to be awoken by the hall light shining through the bottom space of the bedroom door. I then heard a series of odd bumps and random thumps coming from downstairs. I listened for a bit, fearing that Pierre had finally gone completely nuts and was doing spectacularly nutty things. But then it dawned on me: "There's a bat in the house!"

Usually with some clever dance manoeuvres and dexterous use of a window screen or blanket, Pierre is successful of herding the critter back into the great mosquito-ridden night sky. Last night, however, the all clear was not given. The bat eluded the Batman and went into hiding.

Consequently, I am hereby alerting you that if you hear a blood-curdling scream emanating from Canada's eastern seaboard tonight you will understand that it is merely the Madlynne, sounding the bat alarm. Oh, the horror, the horror!


  1. Me and the Bat have a meeting scheduled up. But being on Battime, the exact timing and location within the house are impossible to predict. But I'd bet it will take place sometime between sunset and surise. Bats have some issues with the Sun. Or is it garlic? No. That's vampires right? Or is it dragons?

  2. Nananananananana.....BATMAN!!!!


  3. Anonymous09 July, 2009

    Louciao, don your camo, get your camera and record the grand exodus of the bat in your belfry and be sure to get a close-up -- I dare you!

  4. Batman--so now I have to worry about a dragon in the house? It's going to wreak havoc with our fire insurance!

    Liane! Nice surprise to see that you've flown through. Did you notice the batman hanging upside down by his suspenders, awaiting the dark of night?

    Anonymous: How about we capture the bat, keep it as a pet, then release it on your next visit here so I can get a close-up photo of your reaction!

  5. Anonymous09 July, 2009

    I heard something last night, thought it was the crows mating again, it was quite horrifying though! EEEK...flying rodents. They don't all look like Christian Bale now do they? I have never encountered a bat here in the mountains, when I lived closer to "cow town", more plains and valleys, there were so many of them, I wore a hat all of the time when I went outside. I sure hope you and Batman can round up that critter....shiver!

  6. Anonymous09 July, 2009

    Diary of a bat named Matt. Against my parents' wishes, I won a part in the last Harry Potter movie and while away, they must have moved out. On my return, all entrances were barricaded. What was I to do? Spotting an open window, I flew in, but my sonar did not kick in right away so I bumped into a few things and must have made a noise.

    A human resident chased me, but I outsmarted him and will try again tomorrow night, and look forward to the challenge.

  7. Rain--you are brilliant! Yes, a hat! I have just the one. Or maybe a hard hat would be better. The horrid creature wouldn't be able to get a toe hold on it and, with any luck, would knock itself out if it flew into it.

    Where's "cow town"? I spent several months in a cottage close to Cowansville at one point in my life. No bats invaded there. It was the first time in my life that I saw fireflies. Much nicer than June bugs!

  8. PS--Rain: What do you mean by saying "you and Batman" rounding up the critter. There is no "you" in the equation! I will be cowering in my bedroom (with food, drink, reading material, and craft projects)as soon as the sun dips below the horizon!

  9. Anonymous09 July, 2009

    Interesting! I wasn't too far from was called Potton (now Mansonville I think), close to Knowlton (now Lac Brome)...very close to the US border. Bats GALORE. It was so nice there but my landlord was an alcoholic and when he'd get drunk he was a weeper, and was always at my door so I had to get the heck out of there quickly! I have a tendency to attract these creepy old guys, WHY OH WHY???

  10. Anonymous09 July, 2009 come on, you don't peak your head out to say "you go dude!", that's part of a "we"'s all about the cautious support, lol!!!

  11. Anonymous Matt the Bat: You have totally creeped me out with your diabolical message! But you have made a critical error and flown into a bat free zone! If your eyesight was any good at all you would have noticed the sign in the front window: No Bats Allowed!" I hasten to add that there is a perfectly good abandonned house right next door to us and the resident raccoons are very tolerant.

    Listen up rat bat: As soon as the sun goes down, the game is on! (without me, of course)

  12. Rain, my dear sweet naive girl--when there is a bat in the house one never pokes one's head out in any circumstances whatsoever! That is a rule.

  13. Anonymous09 July, 2009

    Now I know! Too funny.

  14. Thank you for taking care of my head...started to miss it.
    You might like to click upon 'head' within my last entry.

  15. Robert--So that's YOUR head! I will try to sew the eyeball back in and return the head to you by mail.

  16. OOOkkkkk, now I understand why you are so batty ! LOL ! Heaven forbid that the raccoons and the bats out there in the night should ever join forces ! Maybe it's a raccoon that is opening your screen door to let the bat fly in ??? So, is it only bats that transform you into a shrieking fugitive in your own house ? Or do mice and spiders also have the same effect ? Pretty gruesome dangling eyeball there ! Edward Gorey would have loved it... and I'll bet he'd like your bat story too...

    (I'm running SOOO late this week it's not even funny, the bats are chasing me at work... but better late than never , right !?!)

    And a fabulous weekend to you, seeing as how it's Friday...

  17. Halloo Owen: Never too late--always happy to see you, no matter what the hour (figuratively speaking; but call ahead and bring a bottle if you're planning to visit in the real world).

    I am very tolerant of spiders and will capture them in a pot and release them into the wild. Mice, however...EEK! does not do justice to my response. Fortunately, touch wood (preferably that of a mouse trap), we don't have mice in this house due to the small but mighty huntress, known as Tasha the Cat, who condescends to live with us.

    I think you could be onto something about those darn raccoons being in cahoots with the bats. They're probably trying to get them to move out of the abandonned house so they can have it all to themselves for their nefarious activities. (May you get up to some of your own this weekend and bring back pix to your blog!)

  18. I saw Batman mowing the lawn in his suspenders when I was driving home from work. I *almost* beeped the horn, but I didn't want to be a creep!

  19. Will do my utmost ! So many pix to post still, like trying to displace sand dunes with a pair of tweezers... patience is a virtue... aahhh, flying rodents ! Was smiling quite a bit today about that. Now, go write on the chalk board one hundred times : Bats are our friends...

  20. Liane--This is Albert County. Everybody beeps! Get with the program. ;-)

    Owen--I am writing on the chalkboard now: My friends are batty!

  21. Now Lynne, that was NOT the assignment ! :-(

    You were supposed to write one hundred times : "Bats are not evil flying rodents" (just as squirrels are not rats with big bushy tails)

    Now, you are not going to believe this, I didn't, but I just this very second found another blog post about panic reactions over bats... and I think you might enjoy meeting Jill if you haven't already, she's a darn good artist, and writes a good post... but she does not like bats either...

  22. Oh, I sure know where you're coming from!! Great post!

    Thirty years ago, when my husband and I had an apartment in an old building, a bat got in through a hole in the wall...I was petrified and waited in the bedroom behind closed door for my husband to get rid of it. My husband, being a person too kind to kill anything, half-heartedly swung a tennis racket at it...just so it would look like he was trying. All that happened was that the bat was frightened into crawling back into the wall. I plugged up the hole, but lived in dread and terror of it coming out of some other crack, for the duration of time I lived there. And that was the first, and really only, thing that I never forgave my husband for...The only time I felt he really let me down.

  23. Thank goodness you didn't have to repeat the experience: It could have been grounds for divorce! Pierre doesn't kill the beasts, he herds them back outside. Another method is to catch it in a blanket--hopefully not the one you're sleeping in!

  24. I miss you. :( Come visit us!

    I'll keep you posted on when it's a good time to do so....if you catch my drift. ;)